We've all had those moments - something happens that you really, really wish hadn't. Like maybe you weren't as thorough with your douche as you thought and had a little 'oops' moment. Hopefully your partner just rolled with the punches..but in that moment you swear next time you're going to sit on a fire hydrant.
I'm sure there are folks who can relate to THAT moment.. so, I thought.. Hey.. why not share the rest of mine with the world? Wouldn't it be fun to compare notes? Let's see how many we have in common!
Here, in order of least embarrassing/horrible or painful to most, are my top 10 "OH GOD, HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN?" sex-related moments.
10. My dog bringing out a pair of my undies while I was "entertaining" a friend. They were not freshly laundered, and I had recently eaten cabbage.
9. My mother finding my BOB (battery operated boyfriend) and to make it worse, it wasn't obvious what it was, so she actually held it up and asked "What is this"? I'll never be quite sure if she bought the whole "pressure point massager" explanation.
8. I once clipped a lip while I was trimming "down there". I CLIPPED A LIP.. PART OF MY LIP WAS IN MY HAND. Luckily, as it there is a lot of blood flow to that area, it healed fairly quickly and I didn't require labiaplasty.
7. A former boss of mine announced to the entire staff, assembled at a meeting that I had a "pretty blue strap on that I was dying to use on any volunteers" Ok, I'm telling the world about it now..but it's my choice this time..and you're not in front of me wondering whether or not I am actually asking my gay male colleagues to let me do them in the bum.
6. Hot, hot, hot "daddy that I've been lusting after for a year and a half and never in a million years did I think there would come a day that my nipple would find its way into his mouth" is helping me remove my top. Naturally, on the cup of my lovely bra, I notice a giant ball of cat fur, apparently attached with contact cement at the same moment he does. If he'd been looking away I might have been able to fake a seizure and get rid of it, but oh no... there he was, all "focussed on the area"
What, did the cat sneak up my shirt when I wasn't looking??
HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN??!!
5. Early on in my sexual career, I was apparently overly influenced by porn, as far as how women should sound during the act. To my chagrin, what I thought was my demonstration of extreme appreciation wasn't actually conveying that message. I believe his words were "Are you ok? You sound like I'm killing you!" Where do you go from there? "No, no.. actually that's my sexy moan.." *sigh*
4. Hot, mostly straight guy in the back of "Powerhouse" in San Francisco validates my claim that I can pretty much find action no matter where I am, yes, even in gay bars, then LEAVES after sucking my nipple for 5 minutes!!! (and this time there wasn't even cat hair on my bra!!!) I've written about this before. It's wrong to do that to a girl and then leave her.. wrong, I say, just wrong.. !!!
3. At a voting station, during this past election, my brother decided that my former gym teacher, now school principal and all the ladies working behind the tables would get a kick out of hearing that I like to be spanked, with bricks of cheese. Oh, and he also suggested that I could show him how well I give spankings as well. ( FYI, my affinity for spanking is not specific to bricks of cheese, it's just that they work surprisingly well)
* I'm pleased to report that they will soon be removing the wire that has been holding is jaw in place while it healed.
2. Apparently my doctor thought I knew more about "girl exams" than I actually did. Yes, she told me that my ultra sound procedure would involve them using the same thing they do on pregnant women, so I was prepared for that. I wasn't prepared for the part that involved the technician putting a condom over what looked suspiciously like a device that I might actually one day want to add to my collection. Then there was the part where she couldn't get it in..and asked me if I'd ever had sex because I seemed really tight as she was rubbing it over my clitoris trying to find the hole. Do I really need to say more?
1. I recently did a review of an all male website. I had to create a profile so I could navigate through the site, but I didn't respond to any of the emails, or engage anyone in conversation. I was just reviewing the site for features and functionality.
I made the mistake of putting my actual location into it..thinking, who's going to care? I'm only going to be in here for a day or so. Many people emailed me, and I was so shocked at the number of men from my area (in this small town) that out of curiousity I read some of the profiles.
It wasn't until I'd read the 2nd story written by one industrious fellow who had emailed me practically within minutes of creating my profile that it dawned on me that I pretty much knew who it was that had contacted me. It was at that point that I was really thankful this person was moderately discreet and hadn't posted any kinky photos that would quite possibly scar me for life.
**Note to self, when joining a gay male hookup up site, inform my brother of my screen name so he doesn't try to "get to know me better because I sound like fun".
